Sup peeps. Ranch. Hey. Awesome. It’s my birthday. Cool beans. 😎
Instead of a BORING birthday photo shoot taken by the BORING Rebekah, I opted for something different.
I opted for a list.
Because lists are awesome. Just like me.
I think the title is self-explanatory, but I’ll repeat it: 9 Reasons You Shouldn’t Befriend Me.
I mean, I’m a great friend?? Like, just ask Hummus and Baby. But REGULAR PEOPLE who aren’t as awesome as the above mentioned shouldn’t be my friend, because consequences. Now that the explanations are over, let’s start already.
1. I like peanut butter
Obviously this has to be the #1 reason. What else? Normal people just can’t understand how I’m sitting here eating peanut butter straight out of the jar with my spoon. If not that, still other things could happen. If the person who is trying to be my friend says he/she doesn’t like peanut butter, I might 1) explode, 2) eat them. Additionally, I might suddenly start yelling about how terrible this or that brand of peanut butter is.
Or about the new peanut butter cookie that just emerged at Trader Joes. ALDKSJflk jd f
2. I don’t pay attention to convos
If you’re talking, I sometimes might not pay attention to you.
Sometimes deliberately. 😏
Most of the time, this is because I’m too busy eating peanut butter or texting Baby. But other times, honestly. I’m very picky with what I hear. If I’m not interested in what you’re saying, you can betcha I’ll tune out and plug in my earbuds.
3. I’m gruff
Well, not usually.
Like, I’m always the chillest person on Planet Earth. But if I’m grumpy and you’re within 5.342 feet of me, danger zone. I think it’d be the best idea for you to flee for your life.
My cousins call me Groucho Max, Max Grouch, Mr. Grump, and more. Stay away.
4. I’m narrowminded
I’m very picky about my hobbies, and my current ones (cars, automobiles, literature, and peanut butter) are all I can handle already. So if you’re trying to get me to watch Batman or get into this thing called “photography” where you click a little button on a big thing that looks like a gun, you can…stop.
Because I won’t listen. 😏
I’ll plug in my earbuds and listen to my favorite album on Spotify sPeAkING of wHiCh.
5. I will mic-drop you
I’m aware that most people don’t like being comebacked. (yes that is totally a word) The problem is…I’m good at making them, precisely. If you’re saying something dumb, or if we get into an argument, IT IS GUARANTEED I WILL MAKE YOU MISERABLE.😜
Because I will say epic things.
And prove you wrong.
6. I wear hoodies all the time
Technically this doesn’t matter that much. But I know a couple friends I’ve lost contact with because they can never recognize me: namely, because my habit is to pull my hoodie all the way over my face. It’s like a mask.
Not that I want contact with them anyways. 😈
Also, this will cause people who are thinking of befriending me to rethink, because I look unfriendly that way.
7. I’m crazy
I know, this one is rather obvious! But who can think of being friends with an eccentric nut who locks himself in his room all day if he needs to get something done, makes car costumes out of paperboard and hangs them up in his room, and cooks peanut butter chicken alfredo every time he gets mad, even if it’s past midnight?
Oh, and who claims he can see even though his hoodie is covering his face. 😈 #TopSecretsOfRanch
If you can’t even understand why I can eat an entire (small) jar of peanut butter in one sitting, don’t try to understand the rest.
That’s it, frens! Comment down below one reason I shouldn’t befriend YOU and one reason I should. If you do that, you’ll get a chance to be randomly shouted out on Wacky Wednesday!😎